Dear Babel

Just because you can weave together four plots about bad shit going down on people doesn’t mean your movie is important, or good. Also, for a movie nominated for an Oscar for editing, it sure could have used an editor. In conclusion: screw you, Babel. I should have just gone to bed two hours and sixteen minutes earlier.

(PS: certain redeeming aspects in a movie–and Babel does have some!–can sometimes save a movie, but not when the movie overall just feels like it’s wasting my fricken time)

Edit: Seen on IMDB after the cut:Important Lessons Learned From Babel (from IMDB, not me)

1. Invest in goats.
2. Moroccan kids become sexually mature when around nine years old.
3. After losing an argument to your brother, storm off until you just out of sight, then drop your pants and whack it.
4. The best way to test if a rifle shoots 3km is to fire it at bus full of people 500m away.
5. Don’t take the window seat.
6. Don’t ever commit suicide; your deaf teenage daughter might get horny.
7. If someone is holding sharp, metal objects in and around your mouth, it is safe to jolt forward suddenly.
8. If you’re a slut in downtown Tokyo, instead of prostituting from the street corner, go for your 50 year old dentist. He won’t even tell your Dad.
9. Wearing underwear is for losers. Or maybe just for those who can hear.
10. When time is precious, don’t take a four hour bus ride. Wait a full day, then take a helicopter.
11. Instead of having part of a movie take place locally, where the actors can speak English, film in Japan. That way you’ll have no budget left for decent music.
12. Forgetting to mention that you need a day off for your son’s wedding when the kids parents are on vacation is no big deal.
13. When Brad Pitt offers to pay for a better wedding, be polite, and don’t accept. Steal his kids and flee the country instead.
14. Don’t leave peoples kids with parents responsible friends. They’ll be safer watching chickens get beheaded.
15. Getting two kids that look nothing like you into Mexico is very easy. Now we know where kidnappers take missing kids.
16. Mexican filmmakers like trashing US Foreign Policy and their own country at the same time.
17. If you’re a Moroccan police officer, don’t bother arresting suspects. Just shoot them. Especially kids.
18. When in a shootout, don’t bother staying in cover. Either run from behind one rock to another, or just stand tall in the open.
19. Only put up your hands after you’ve killed a cop or two.
20. Bring only the absolute minimum amount of gas when crossing Moroccan deserts.
21. Sweet talking US Border Guards always works, especially when you’re drunk and speak to them in Spanish.
22. Accept strange pills from strange guys in Tokyo. Nothing bad will come of it.
23. If your dehydrated, leaving fellow tourists stranded in the desert as they bleed to death is socially acceptable.
24. When dehydrated British chaps get obnoxious, fight them. It will solve everything.
25. Making out while bleeding to death and peeing in a pan is hot.
26. Stitch up a wound while conscious, then take the sedative drugs.
27. Don’t bother offering nice Moroccans money, they won’t accept it.
28. All white, young American kids can understand Spanish when they want to.
29. The best way to help legitimate American citizens back into the US is to leave them stranded in the desert.
30. When stranded in a desert, keep your high heels on the entire time.
31. Coke and Sprite are drank all over the world.
32. People inside moving vehicles on bumpy dirt roads can hear you when you scream at them.
33. If stopped by US Border Patrol, run around in circles waving your arms and screaming in Spanish. It’ll make you look very American.
34. 16 years in the US isn’t long enough for a Mexican to learn English.
35. Getting deported sucks because all your ‘things’ are in the US.
36. If faced with deportation, lawyers won’t be of much help. Take the deportation officer’s advice and don’t even try.
37. Japanese clubs are fun, even for depressed deaf girls.
38. You can get more from a policeman than you can from a dentist.
39. Japanese girls can write really, really fast. Especially when naked.
40. If you need to have a serious discussion with your Dad, get naked ahead of time.
41. Canada does not need doctors. All it needs is Moroccan veterinarians.
42. Only rich people have happy endings.
43.* If you toss three bad screenplays up in the air and pick up the pages out of order, it becomes Oscar caliber.

*I’m VERY glad it lost by the way.

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